| A long time away from here... |
[Jul. 8th, 2009|12:16 am] |
Skydiving/by who’s driving?
It has taken an eternity for me to write something on here. Mostly because I have been avoiding talking the truth about the way I feel and because I’m so tired all the time. I moved to New York, and currently reside on Columbia University in the Morningside Park/Harlem area, interning with Essence. So far the interning experience is a bitch as far as learning to get my priorities straighten, re-learning to talk to my supervisors as superiors, not equals (even though they’re not all about roles), freelancing and having time to pitch stories. I really need to reevaluate my life at the moment. Right now, I feel desperate. Jordan’s not around and while I feel at ease that we are no longer together and no longer apart of one another’s lives, I feel the need to reach out to him. Not to feed him any romance bullshit—because he’s kind of a nut job and I’ve had my full—but to come to a common ground. I started to send him an e-mail, then I looked at his MySpace and still see that header he wrote about “Some Ugly Prick…,” and then looked at his FaceBook, and saw that he was once again naked, wrapped only in a towel. Tee commented with something like “Why do you do this to me!” I didn’t want to touch that. Tee and I haven’t talked since Jordan and I split. It’s for the best. Tee is not the friend I need him to be. It’s been months, no phone calls. I called him, and he never calls back. I read his recent post. He’s now diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Fun times. Should I care? Maybe. But, I don’t. I guess I just stopped caring. I don’t know when Tee and I will talk next, but I’ll wait until he makes the first move… which is likely to be never… that is, until we run into each other.
Back to the lonely-depressed bit. Basically, I think I’m to cute, personally/mentally/emotionally/physically, to be desperate. I even glimpsed at Craigslist after reading a horoscope, then laughed when some of the men in my area, some of whom are gorgeous in the flesh (and probably infected) were search for men and women to perform sexual acts on them because they were in dry spells. I decided that I’m too good for that and somebody somewhere will find me.
I recently got published in Bleu and Krave, may be interviewing a famous someone for a Nu-Soul (I’ll keep you posted), am translating a new article for Bleu, and I came out as Bisexual to the other interns for a project…I was totally ready for the pitch forks and torches to come out, but they just embraced me… all of them.
Quick recap: Last weekend, my fellow interns Courtney and Brittany went to see Up in 2D (yeah, you heard me right). Nick came up the week before last, and we went to Coney Island and traveled throughout the city, finishing with Pride. The week before that Alex from Virgina came and was very boring, and quiet and shamed me for getting drunk with Courtney (I made the mistake of getting 2 Texas Sized frozen Long Island Iced Teas). We haven’t talk much sense. That same weekend, Knickie left to move to Florida with her mom, so I traveled to Brooklyn and packed. We got stopped by a cop. She was fined $230, and my friend Huewayne camped over for a few days, the week before, before having to go back to Long Island.
Question of the day: I’m honestly tired of asking a relationship question. So, ask a question about me… and I’ll answer it. |
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| No more pussy-footing! |
[May. 21st, 2009|12:02 am] |
Lonely, but not desperate/Thank God, we're separate!
I am very tired of people. I am very tired of myself. I am just plain tired. I’ve exhausted all my energy arguing with Jordan and Fausto respectively, fighting with editors for more time to work on articles, fighting with teachers in regards to schoolwork and with my peers, who don’t understand me. It’s even hard with people who call themselves my friends. I want to change that this summer. Hopefully, it will change tonight because I damn sure need to get these assignments in for Bleu.
In a few weeks, I’ll be in New York City working as an editorial intern for Essence Magazine, and hopefully, I’ll get a few published clips in the magazine as well as making connections with my fellow interns, business associates, friends and faculty. This summer marks the end of a lot of things. For starters, there’s the “trio.” Nichole, Huewayne and I—three young artists out to claim the world! Huewayne graduated with both the President’s and Chancellor’s award. Nichole graduated with her master’s in History, and made a documentary. I feel stuck. Granted, I’ll be coming back to school to finish my second major, theatre arts, but I feel like I should be the person I want to be…. But I still don’t really know what my potential is yet. Dustin is in Binghamton writing a book, Fannie is dating some Italian in D.C., Regina is working for Martha Stewart and Honey Magazine, Tony from the Theatre Dept. is interning with Gunn Studios, Selina from the Com Dept. is working for MTV, Brigid is moving to Oregon… I feel like I’m not doing anything exciting… scratch the New York summer thing.
I’m also not in the mood for drama, but it’s something I’m giving myself for unexplained reason. Maybe, just maybe it’s because I need it to grow up. I honestly hate drama (unless its in a play or on the big screen), but I need it to grow up so I can grown into my own person. I don’t know why, but I went to Facebook because my grandma had asked me if I had talked to Tee which I replied that I refused to get in contact with someone. Knowing that Tee is Bisexual, she mentioned to me, “Well, you know how Tee gets when he gets a new squeeze.” She then mentions that he brought a boy over for Mother’s Day. Now, I am not going to go into semantics about how frustrated that would have made me if I didn’t expect this of Tee, who spoke to me that very same day, but I was interested in whom he brought over and why he never mentioned to me that he maybe seeing someone. However, I doubt this is so and even if it was, it’s none of my business.
I went on Facebook, and while we are not friends on there, he is friends with Jordan. I read Jordan’s status and it reads: “I Know You Like And I Like You ALOT But OF COURSE Im Bein Nervous And Scared Cuz I Dnt Wanna Get Hurt AGAIN. I Am Realizing That I Am NOT Takin ANY Kinda Risks And I THINK I Should Be Takin Risks.......But Whateva.” For like 5.2 seconds I was like Whoa! Then I remembered why we failed as an item and then I felt a pain, not for me, but for Jordan’s new squeeze! I mean, yes, I thought that either he was cheating on me (talking to other people during the end of our relationship) and I thought about how quick he got over me and what he went through, and it hurt me to think that it was time to move on. Like, I was done with him. I mean, so done! But, I guess I wanted him to come back and tell me how wrong he was so I can walk away from the conversation with a smile on my face. But, in a way, I’m happy for him. Not because he’s got a new beau, but knowing the lessons he has to learn in this new relationship/fling that he didn’t get in plainsong from his relationship with me. This time around, I am looking for the real thing. It took me over 8 months to actually agree to dating Jordan, and maybe I dated because I was lonely, but I piece of me still believes I was in love, and not blinded by it as much as I thought I was. We shared nice moments. But my heart doesn’t bleed for him anymore and neither does his for me. Life’s a bitch, I know.
In closing, I am kind of mad that these two found love, not because they don’t deserve it, they do, but they both need to really grow up. I know I do. Jordan is just dense and while he is emotional, he lacks sensitivity for others, which is a bad trait. Tee is a wildcard, and if he’s a bad friend (sometimes he is, sometimes he isn’t), imagine the pain I watched him dish out and endure while he was in relationships. My hat is off to their love interests. Right now, even while I am not sharing my bed with another and even though no one is calling me on the phone to tell me how much the love me and desire me both sexually, mentally and emotionally—I’m comfortable. Like I said before, I’m lonely but not looking.
Question of the day: “In the is internship, I want to look sexy, youthful but maturely confident!! How could I do that?” |
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| My life in bullet points!! |
[Apr. 22nd, 2009|11:23 pm] |
I am so tired lately, not with school and not with writing. With people: People who call me their friends and try to bring me down, people who were old flames that just burned out, people who are parents and mentors but doesn’t teach me… A lot has happened in the last month. I apologize for not updating and its not my intention to bore you with long updates.
Jordan lost my cellular phone the night of the Britney Spears concert after I told him to wear his jacket, which he refused to wear, and when the sun came down, he was freezing and had my phone in his hands. More so interested in his pseudo-hypothermia, he lost my phone, which he had in his hand at the time, in a NYC cabbie. I told him off in the hotel and called him dense. Spoke to Tee, and he tried to blame me. I look on facebook, and it’s like they have an internet relationship that Jordan has placed on his page… thank God our relationship is over and that that plane crashed and burned. He put this nasty little thing on MySpace about me in retaliation; may be because it was the truth. “Some UGLY PRICK Told Me I Have No Friends, No Social Life, and All I Do Is Work...And I 100% HATE You For Saying That. I Really Do Hate You, Dont Call Me, Dnt Email Me, DONT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN! And I MEAN IT! :)”
Patty also contacted me on Facebook, and asked: “were we ever officially bf/gf? my bf found a text in my old phone that i sent to you, and he had a question about it. i know we were close, but i don't remember ever being officially yours (catch the tear). let me know.” We were together for a year and a half. I told her: “Just accept that we are friends now and that we moved on from whatever we were.” It was half-assed, but I don’t want anymore drama in my life as far as those two go. I’m just seriously done with waiting for the right one. I’m going to be a virgin forever and I feel that I should lower my expectations, because no one I’ve dated believes in genuine love and no one I’ve dated wants companionship and to share themselves with me. Its just a game to them.
My life other than that is okay. I’m stressed as shit with people at school and friends.
I tried pot recently, not a fan. It’s been a week and honestly, I keep feeling like I need to cough. Plus, being high is über lame. No more for me. I am also going to lessen the alcohol I drink. Maybe on occasion, like I do now, but not as frequently as I have these last 3 months.
I rock out with a rock band on weekends now, even though time to time there are personality clashes between Vanessa, Kisha, Alicia and I. I front the band and write lyrics. I’m more punk-rock/funk and the band is more chill than I’d like, but we’ve made some cool tunes so far. But I feel like I’m handicapping our potential of great songwriting, because the girls are kind of prudish and I’d hate to write songs about female genital mutilation, gang rape or burning brides if they’d get turned down. Nonetheless, we have such and interesting dynamic: 3 girls and a boy. Sounds like trouble.
In a month I am moving to NYC for the summer, as Essence’s new intern. I’m ecstatic! I am also interviewing a bunch of celebs for Bleu’s spring issue, and I’m also doing cover stories for Obvious and Krave. Huewayne and I are still writing for Buffalo Rising, too…
I have so much to write about!! But, as I promised, this was supposed to be short, and I'm writing my thesis!
Question of the day: “I’m looking for a companion, but I’m in college. Should I fool around while I’m young? I’m not lonely or thinking with my hormones, but I’m tired of people acting like pussies!” |
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| A long ass post! You don't want to read it, just skip to the question of the day! |
[Mar. 9th, 2009|12:40 pm] |
My birthday on February 2nd. It was very fun. I want to take a moment to think the one’s that made it special—Huewayne, Nichole, Vanessa, Dan, Fausto, Latisha, Amber, Fannie, Kat, Wendy, Billie (Dustin’ ex), Chris (Billie’s best friend) and Dustin. Everyone else who wished me happy birthday (and there was a long list), I am more than grateful that they feel more than obligated to do so, because it means I am important in someone’s life.
On Saturday, January 31, I went out with Fannie, Dustin, Billie and Chris to Marcella’s, a gay club. After meeting Dustin’s new girlfriend, who he’s talked about for so long… it was nice to just chill. We danced a lot and I dirty danced with Chris, he left the dance floor with a boner the size of Texas. I wonder why. My birthday, that following Monday was later spent with Fannie and our friend Wendy at Wasabi, a sushi restaurant. I had fried green tea ice cream, tasted eel and other “strange” sea creatures. Later that night, Huewayne and Nichole came and took me to Blockbuster, we had ordered Step Brothers starring Will Ferrell. I must say that I never thought he was that funny until I saw that film. They didn’t get the jokes, but I thought it was hysterical! They served me hot chocolate with cherry sauce on top and cooked me a meal. Nichole and Huewayne bought a cake, and made a meal (Chicken Alfredo with broccoli). They fell asleep on the film, but I had a sore stomach from laughing half the time. Before we played the movie, and while they cooked, I spent time talking to Henry (who I am convinced wants to fuck me, always mentions my sex life!) and my friend Marcus from New York City (who has a thing for me, but is into polyandry). Marcus (I call him M4) is wiser than his years and asked me to wear short shorts to gay pride, since I am thinking of going with Nick to New York pride. Naturally gay pride is not my thing, but if my brother can go with his girlfriend—I mean, why not? Anyway, we left Nichole’s and just talked. If Huewayne was gay, bisexual, or questioning and if he wasn’t like my brother, I would totally make a pass at him. He’s an amazing guy, is determined, is very cerebral and yet lacks all the confidence in the world. He’s like some golden boy, but isn’t pig-headed. He’s not attractive to me, but it’s his swagger and his very kind-hearted nature that gets me. He let me borrow his camera for my photography class, is always willing to help me out and is there when I just need a guy to talk to. I fucking love him and talking to him that night— after all the cars were parked and Buffalo homes went to sleep—a light was shined, and I knew that we’d be friends for a long time.
Skip to Friday, and I’m pissed. I ran around like a chicken with his head cut off. I found out Silver Screen won’t have a budget next semester because our old treasurer, Matt didn’t take care of his business before he left office. I also auditioned for Theatre For Change after signing papers that said I was now a theatre major, and waited three hours to audition, and barely auditioned. Time well wasted. I went out and reported for Buffalo Rising (which Huewayne helped me get!) and then went to bed. Boring. I know. But it was Saturday that rocked! I went to meet Vanessa at a quarter to 2 p.m. and we went and had tea. We went to her place and I spoke to the agent of Jensen Atwood (Noah’s Arc; trying to get him to come to our school for a speech and book signing for Silver Screen/Pride), and then came out to see what Vanessa, Keisha and Alicia were doing. They asked me to write a song while they played instruments—they formed a band. I wrote a song called “Jawbreaker” and now I’m front man, I guess. Laurie comes over, picking Vanessa and I up. We go to Amvets and get some 80s clothes for my party. After an 80s dressing room montage, I settle on a pink shimmering button-up, acid-washed jeans, and grey suede shoes (which matched with the blazer I bought in NYC). I bought a blue “speed racer” short shirt, which was totally 80s and looked ridiculous on me, and changed it twice thought out the night. But there were some things that happened: I kissed Fausto due to Truth or Dare. Latisha fell asleep on me, and I think something would have happened, had I not have stayed there. We were all shit-drunk and the like, and Fausto came home completely wasted. Kat and Amber were fun to be with, and even though Dan and Vanessa said some things at the party that I didn’t particularly agree with (said in humor), it was fun. It was my birthday and bring “your own beer/alcohol” which I was kind of odd about, but it was about the friends and it was a great night.
A week later, I met this lady named Alva from California, an activist and aspiring journalist on the bus when I hung out with my friends Laudelina and Nichole, coming from the Walden Galleria Mall. She was cute and said some things that went over my head… which was attractive. She gave me her e-mail, and later her number. Maybe I should call her, and see if she’d like to hang out or something.
A week after Lee from Binghamton comes to visit Dustin, his best friend. He came to visit, and there was a rather nice ambience to the party as I met Mark’s new girlfriend Nichole and spending time once again with Vanessa-and-Dan the couple. Lee is a nice guy, cute in a Hollister kind of way, and has a macho-flamboyant gayness that some find really adorable. We are talking, and he’s dancing, but says he can’t. I don’t know what it is about me helping people, but it’s a trait that hasn’t given me much luck outside of haphazard situations and circumstances. So, I teach him how to move his retarded hips to music, and then he pulls me close and starts slow grinding on me. We’re both liquored up and before you know it, he just falls right in and starts making out with me. So, I was weird-ed out, but he wasn’t a bad kisser and the fact that he had the moxie to actually do that (kiss me first), it was exciting. The thing is, he was a week and a half fresh from a relationship and I was not going to be his rebound, so I told him that it wasn’t a good decision to go further than that. Just when I go to do that though, Vanessa sees it all. Talk about awkward! I told her I’m not a slut… I’m convinced she thinks I am.
Two weeks later, here I am! I got published with Bleu Magazine, Buffalo Rising, Krave Magazine and I was given the opportunity of a lifetime: to work with Time Inc. over the summer as an Editorial Intern for Essence Magazine! In addition to this, I’m just staying extremely busy with six classes (one including stage managing Grapes of Wrath on campus), running around to create a film festival, trying to bring actor Jensen Atwood to campus and freelancing with magazines. I am also looking to widen my range as an actor, and what better way than auditioning for Fall 2009 campus productions. I also want to do the festival of Dionysus to write a campus play, which is due at the end of April. I realized that I needed to take things more seriously. I have all these dreams inside and I feel like I am not doing thing with my potential, you know? So, I am getting more invested into my theatre department and finishing my journalism major.
I just need to get done with this play (which stops on the 21st!) and get over my new man crush! His name is Jason Belvin (look at post below)… he’s so attractive to me… makes me sick. And… taking some time away from being in my bedroom. Fausto is driving me nuts! I am seriously thinking about committing heinous acts against him Laudelina too! When they get together… I want to do thinks I’ve only seen in Japanese horror films!
Question of the day: “My dad didn’t even call me for my birthday and I have decided to stop talking to him altogether. I am changing a lot and with change comes leaving some friends so that they can grow up in the world. I’m not a whole person yet… who do I surround myself with when there are people who are in desperate need of self-evaluation and positive change constantly working against me?” |
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| "I know what Boys Like (Boys like me)" |
[Feb. 1st, 2009|10:09 pm] |
Over the moon/ I want to feel like I’m twelve hours old at the early hours of noon…
( ”My )( ”Marcella’s )( “After )
Question of the day: “For the most part, I’m over Jordan, but it’s a fresh break-up. Am I wrong for going out to a club, dancing heavily on total strangers (even when it may appear I’m leading them on)?” |
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| An update for yo ass! |
[Jan. 29th, 2009|08:23 pm] |
"Blow a fuse, watching the sparks fly/ I'd rather be alone than be with that guy..."
I am so frustrated (screams loudly!). People keep bringing up Jay. Honestly, I’m so over him, it’s not a shame how over I am of him. Fausto comes in and calls me Jordan and then Michael, which is Jay’s first and middle name. Then my friend Henry from Philly calls and tells me “You need dick.” I don’t need anything! Yes, I want sex, but if I wanted just sex I could have had it by now. Fausto and Henry both bought up horrible truths this week that Jay just wasn’t into me. They say that when someone is into someone, they hunger for them and then used examples, such as the infamous Cheetah Girls night. I think Nick wanted to say it, but felt it was a little rude to say when we hung out last week. I’m not ugly, I’m nice, animated, hilarious and quite bright—and, well, someone out there will find me and we will hit it off. But right now, I’m not looking for anything. Tee wanted me and Jordan to be together, but honestly, if I wanted to be with a child or a person who thought and processed things like a child, I’d join the monastery and become a priest-turned-registered pedophile. I mean, Jordan was sexy, but I turned down some really hot girls and really hot guys being with him, even this one really sexy guy that was feelin’ me a couple of months back when I was hanging with Jen. Who knows, maybe if I wasn’t faithful, I would have had some good times with him. Jordan also called me Tuesday. We talked for a couple of hours and about the concert. Tee talked to him and told him that we we’re not talking because of me. So, he’s obviously been reading this, because, how would he know? Regardless, I can’t wait to go to the Britney Spears concert, and we’re going only as friends. My feelings for him have crashed and burned.
In other news, it’s my first week back in Buffalo and I’ve been adding dropping classes like Bush’s I.Q. dropped since his 2000 inauguration (I went there!). I left after a very emotional day for my family (Alexis wants independence and can’t wait to leave because she’s around my grandma all the time, Dom feels that his friends have more priority than family, Grandma only thinks of the three of us and bills, and I feel like a Martian in my own home). I took the Amtrak and arrived here via 7 p.m. I’m also looking to stay in Buffalo for another year. I want to pursue an M.F.A in Theatre, but I need the recommendation letters and of course, the experience. So, I’m deciding to turn my minor into my second major. I would be finishing up my journalism classes this semester and so, if I can do about 6 classes in theatre each semester with shows, I can make out like a bandit come spring 2010. Plus, we’re in a recession—wouldn’t hurt staying another year, right? I’m frustrated a bit though, because I didn’t decide earlier… you know? But whatever, hopefully I’ll do really good this semester and try to write freelance with Buffalo Rising, if my friend Huewayne gets the word out. Plus, I've been writing with magazines and I may interview India.Arie and Keisha Cole. I just hope I can survive another semester with Fausto! He’s so “Aryan-minded,” and brings up that white guys are so “hot” and makes me feel that having Black Pride is something to resent, and opposed my logic to things (I cherish art and socio-political constructs, he cherish glamour and image); we’re two totally different people. Plus, he’s a little more forward sexually than I am. We made a vocal contract talking about “masturbation time.” It irritates me because when I look at porn (which nowadays is either gay porn or lesbian porn—because watching straight porn makes me think the guy is abusing the girl), it’s seldom and he makes it a big deal. Since we caught each other last semester, I’ve deterred from jacking off or even thinking about. I give myself a few days before attempting to jump a cliff!
My friend Alex is coming up in a few weeks (hopefully), so it’ll be great hanging with him and my birthday is Monday! I turn 22 years old. I feel so fucking old. In the mean time, next Friday, Vanessa told me she’s throwing a party for me. It’s going to be 80s themed. Maybe some club action? Maybe I’ll lose myself? Who knows? I should start inviting friends. Want to come?
Question of the day: “What is society’s infatuation with having to be in a relationship? What’s so bad about being single for a while to situate one’s self?” |
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| Trying my own self-intervention |
[Jan. 22nd, 2009|02:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Library | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Summer Boy" by Lady Gaga | ] |
My new mission statement: Avoid mediocrity at any limit, and be phenomenal at all means.
I came to a realization last night: I’m an amazing guy. No, it’s not my looks or my mentality and nor is this a confidence booster, but I am starting to come to the understanding that my friend Vanessa was right: if you want people to see those desired traits that you want, you have to fake until you make it. With that being said, why fake it? Be it. I’m not an ugly guy (an issue I have trouble with—severe body issues), nor am I unintelligent (though I prefer the term cerebral), I’m resourceful and I’m very inventive. Nonetheless I’m a pretty funny guy. I refuse to let that Jordan relationship ruin me and the conversations I have with friends. I don’t even know why I was having such a hard time dealing with it. Maybe it’s because I came to an understanding late last night: I watched the motion picture “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” starring S&M Willy Wonka impresario Brand Russell, sexy-vixen Mila Kunis (who I’d lay in two second flat) and Kristen Bell as Sarah Marshall. The lead character played by Jason Segel (of Freak and Geeks fame) is dumped by his girlfriend of 5 years, CSI-type TV star Sarah Marshall and decides to go to Hawaii to forget about her when given advice by his step brother played by Bill Hader (who I kind of have a thing for at the moment). Anyway, the guy comes to the realization that his ex-girlfriend not only is a bitch incapable of taking some responsibility for the crash landing of their break-up, but that he’s not too much of a bad catch either. There were other messages, but I came to the realization that school starts Monday and its time that I put that behind me. With that being said, I’m shaving my head (new hair cut), I plan on buy new clothes (birthday is on the 2nd) and I want to be more active. With that last statement being said, I want to do more things for me and not necessarily for my résumé this semester and do the things I was always interested in—kung fu and karate classes, yoga classes, jazz and bellydancing classes and take some piano classes. My goal is to be the black James Bond: get a bartending license, get an aviation license, become at least a second degree black belt and speak a foreign language (I’ve really felt the need to learn French again, and or learn Arabic/Japanese). I want to start by attending the campus gymnasium for 2 hours, three days a week. If I do that and look great come April or May, I’ll be great. How will I do these things: Hopefully, I’ll devide my time on the weekend between friends, homework and work (since I can’t do work-study, bah humbug).
Anyway, soon I’ll be in Buffalo, with Fausto and will have to be on a strict schedule. I can’t allow what happened to me to happen to me again—my grades deteriorated when I dated Jordan. I read a lot this break (finished 3 books such as Watchmen, thanks Nick!) and I plan to finish reading The Long Halloween, a Batman graphic novel. My Boy Culture book was thrown out by rampant and raging father… guess who has to order it again?! Me!
Well, I need to go. I’m in a public library and I’m flirting with on of the librarians, she’s Hindi and black and attends SCCC. But she’s taken… Hmmm….
Question of the day: “Do any of these plans sound unrealistic? |
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| Fuck what you heard/ It's my life, that's my word. |
[Jan. 17th, 2009|03:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Library | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "I Touch Myself" by Blondie | ] |
fading into the back ground/ walk away without a sound
I am very upset with everything right now. Most importantly, I hate that people have gotten involved in my romantic life. Tee called Jordan to tell him to talk to me, but at a time where I feel like a ronin samurai left homeless in search of work and my next meal, I think making me actually talk about it made me upset. I wanted to talk about something else when we met up on Tuesday night after he got off of work, as we walked through Colonie Mall. Honestly, though… I thought we’d talk about it for maybe 15 minutes and the conversation ended after two and a half hours. He said it’s because I avoided talking about it, posting little blurbs in my journal, but not actually talking about it. So, Wednesday night rolls around and since I can no longer see The Script perform at the Mercury Lounge as planned (the choking “incident” ruined everything!) or possibly interview them in person (because I now owe $70 for an eye exam, even though I have insurance!), I am home. Guess who calls me 3 minutes before 10 p.m.? Yes, Jordan calls. I wanted to kill Tee, who talked to him before the phone call.
Its like, why would you do that to me, knowing I have other things to think about like getting ready for school (since I never heard back from the magazines) and starting life after graduation? I just want the remnants of my feelings for Jay to just die, so I can move on, you know? So, he calls after talking with Tee. I tell him the truth and don’t care if I sound like an asshole: He never answers the important questions I need answered, he never would have done things I were interested in, he doesn’t know what he wants and our maturity levels were different. In addition, I’m sure his punk-ass could never confess that he fell out of love with me, because he’s too chicken. I mean, we were alone in a hotel room, and since I respect him too much to have sex with him (because he wanted to wait a little more), all I expected was a kiss and to sleep in the same bed. He treated me like I was his chum. What the fuck? So, I dumped him. It’s been a month and they both expect me to be over him. I am getting over him, but I’m not cold-hearted and I actually was in love with that asshole. But he doesn’t care and Tee, he doesn’t think its to be over, but I know it is. I said it before; I want a monogamous someone with goals, dreams, passion, drive, knowledge of things beyond high school memories and most importantly, someone funny but with a higher maturity than past relationships. But, I’m afraid I won’t find that person. Nonetheless, right now, I’m too busy to be in a relationship. If it happens it happens, but right now, in less than 3 weeks I’m going to celebrate the loneliest birthday ever and then after that, try to graduate with all A’s.
Like I said before, Wednesday and Thursday, I missed The Script at The Mercury Lounge, and my chance to interview them in person. In addition, my voice recorder just stopped working all of a sudden! So, I’m fucked with all the interviews I had recorded in the past like my interview with Lance Gross for Krave Magazine! In addition, I’m gaining weight and I have lost my drive to write and perform well in school. I need some kind of therapy.
In addition, certain people I am just not going to bother any more. Example: Tee is getting on my last nerves and what pisses me off most is that he is so unapologetic. I understand he’s busy, but he’s so self-absorbed. Plus, on this thing, I complain about him as much as I whine about Jordan. It’s annoying. I’m tired of trying to be the “best friend” all the time. I mean, he’s there to have deep discussions with, but only on his terms and right now, my time is too valuable chasing after him. I do this all the time and I’m tired of it. So, I’ll just wait until he calls me. It’ll be a long wait, but maybe it’ll be worth it. I am also doing the same with my parents, especially “daddy dearest,” but that’s more permanent than the Tee situation.
Question of The day: “Because I haven’t heard back from the magazines and now that I plan to go back to school with both fists swinging, is it wise to drop people from my life so suddenly when I need support the most at such a time?” |
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| I am filing an order or protection against my father... JUST READ and COMMENT |
[Jan. 12th, 2009|04:28 pm] |
I still have feeling for that jerk-off Jordan. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy at all, and I know that we broke up only a couple of months ago, but I can’t get him out of my mind. I wonder if he’s hurt by this, I worry that he’ll find someone else, and I worry if I’ll ever find love again. He’s always in my thoughts. I often wonder if he thinks ever things about me, and I wonder if we lived closer to one another would we have actually hit it off and fell in love. I wonder if it would have lasted longer and I wonder if it was worth our time and effort. I was so in love with him. I would have moved to be closer to him if he was willing to sacrifice for me. I’m not sure any longer. It’s been so long that I’ve dated a woman that by now, I think my mojo is gone. I addition to that, I honestly believe very few women find me both sexually and personally attractive. By this I mean, a person who would want to date me as well as sleep with me. Guys are the same. If there was a guy that I found attractive that found me attractive beyond my sexual exterior, then I would probably date him. But in reality, both sexes scare me and bore me. They scare me because of the power I give them when I’m in a relationship with them, and the bore me because I haven’t met a single person without the ability to enjoy a relationship without constant drama. Granted, drama is everywhere, but too much of it numbs me. That’s what happened with Patty and her Electra complex, and that’s what happened with Jordan and his forever-a-tween dilemma. Nonetheless, I still pine for his affections and at the same time, I’m too proud to call him to tell him that I want him back. Thank God I am, because it would require a lobotomy on my end or a significant change on his part on his end. But I guess, that’s my fault—I always blamed him even when we were both wrong. Maybe one of these days I’ll write a confessional about it.
On Friday night, Regina came over around 3 p.m. and we hung out for a while at home and at the library. We walked from my home to the Mohawk Commons, a strip mall, and we met up with Sadé in a local Out Navy store. Then, the three of us went to the local Barnes & Nobles, talked and ate. I grabbed a few books, dropped them at the front counter, and we went back to my place to pick up a book I ordered. It was the wrong book and I wanted to return it and trade it for another book. We went back to the book store and I picked up the books “Boy Culture” and “B-Boy Blues” (I order the sequel to this on accident). I also picked up Beyond Race Magazine. I may send my resume out to the magazine. It’s not groundbreaking, but I like it nevertheless. We go to Target because Sadé needs as purse and Regina wants popcorn. We talked about politics, being black in America, feminism, journalism, and what music has become. We went to the Spectrum. I saw Amine there. We talk for a while and then we went to see “Milk” starring Sean Penn and Prop 8 poster boy James Franco. After walking out of a silent theatre, Sadé races a bus and Regina and I go home via bus. My brother, his two friends (PJ and DJ) and my friend Siobhan are on. We talk for a while. Then after we get off, Regina and I share poems in my bedroom. Regina’s mom comes to pick her up around 2 a.m. (who knows why?) and I go downstairs and watch Invader Zim with a bunch of teen boys and my cousin Alexis.
I did nothing on Saturday. I need more friends to do things with when I come back home! I was fucking stir-crazy. Later, I spoke to Erik. We haven’t talked since October, and he had nothing to share, but it was nice to know that he was safe in NM. He asked if I was still a virgin for some odd reason. I wanted to tell him something sexy like “why don’t you come over here and check!” in hopes that he would reply, “I’m already in route!” But instead, I just said yes and talked about what went wrong in my last relationships, and why I suck at life. What can I say? I have no “game.” We laughed and talked for a while and went to sleep.
I woke up late Sunday and was asked to come over to my sperm donor’s house for dinner. There, I talked about my upcoming trip to NYC (I was asked to do an interview with rock band, The Script) and I needed money to take a Greyhound. But this is the shit head that left me without food or money in New York when I interviewed over the summer. Nevertheless, we were having a fine time. That is until his on-and-off girlfriend of 15 years (we call her Snoopy) asked my father to take me to the store in their new car so I could buy her some cigarettes. Along the way, she asked “dad” to go and pick up my bitchy little half sister. After waiting in the car 20 mins., she comes with bags in tow. We go to the store, we go to his place. My brother and his girlfriend greet us at the store, my half-sister then bum-rushes past my “dad” and walks through the door. She slips and falls on her bum. Needless to say, everyone laughs and I laugh pretty hard. Well, I don’t like being hit in the face or in the genitals. So, who does she take her rage out on? That’s right… me. So, while I’ll laughing, this cunt (yes, I’m a feminist, but I mean it!) pulls me down, puts all her weight into my palm, and slaps the shit out of me. This girl has hit grown folks before and “daddy” dearest doesn’t care one bit! So, what did I do? I snatched that little bitch up, put some weight into my palm [but not as much as should have ;)], and I slapped the shit out her! Needless to say, my
father” wanted me to apologize. I said sorry, but not for my actions. A moment later, he’s angry. I hand them the chump change he gave me earlier in the night and I try to leave. He doesn’t like this and Mr. “Anger-management issues” nearly chokes the life out of me. My brother “persuades” him off of me, and after having him chase after me with his face in my face, cursing and swearing at me (I’m walking away without a tinge of fear, saying anything but letting my feet do the talking)… I get away. After shedding some tears, talking to Tee, Regina, Grandma and blowing off my plans for the night with Frye—I call the police and they charge him and her with harassment (Awww, my little half sister has a record) . This kind of thing has happened ever since I turned 12 or 13 (since her birth; the first time I wound up in a hospital for the night). In the last couple of months, I have been feeling like I’ve been branded the target practice! Mom attacks me in July and “dad” on Sunday. Whatever… you know. Anyway, I’m going to family court tomorrow morning and I’m going to file an order of protection to me. I am convinced he wants to kill me. He’s dead to me.
Question of the day: “Am I wrong?” |
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| Family matter BS! |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|04:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Library | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "circus" by britney spears | ] |
singing hymns and breaking limbs...
I’m thinking that I need to leave home for good. I can’t take it anymore any longer. My brother is driving me psychotic to the brink of jumping off the deep end, taking out his frustrations on me. My cousin Alexis either double teams me every chance she gets or finds a way to ambush her way in between me and my friends. My grandmother is also a mild conservative, and I’m feeling the strain of out relationship lately—we don’t talk like we used to and she’s dragging me to church and her social gatherings every chance she gets—and we’re clashing over lifestyle and religious matters. She’s a regular at churches, but its oppressive. I am forced to go because I “live under the household.” The thing is, I’m 21 and of age. The problem is that I’m in Buffalo most of the time, and even if I stayed in Buffalo, my family would look at me like I’m trying to get away from them. It’s a double-edged sword. I mean, look at me… My parents don’t even want anything to do with me.
I feel like some freak show and I want to go into hiding because if things don’t change, I may hit the road and never return.
I’ve also been doing a lot of questioning. I seriously need the break from school and I’m asking God if I can get these internships in New York. God willing, I want to be the grandkid that travels all the time and is away most of the time on business or tending to personal matter. I mean, I’m barely around as it is says Alexis, says Dom. If I do get these internships, for Paper or Details or any other magazines I may have applied to, it would indeed be a blessing. A friend of Regina’s asked me if I would be interested in doing an internship with the magazines YRB or Complex, so that would be spectacular if things worked out. I also applied to magazines and newspapers such as Uptown, Vibe, Essence, City, City Limits, The Village Voice, Giant, Men’s Vogue, URB and Trace. I’ve heard nothing yet. I don’t get though, if these people are looking for paid and unpaid interns, why aren’t they jumping at the chance? What I hate the most is waiting because I don’t have time to really wait. I need to plan. I need to get out. I feel like everyone’s pin cushion. Everybody is acting like they have hard times too, which is driving me nuts. My brother is a co-dependent living off the affections of his girlfriend, which I believe he uses as way of dealing with mom issues and is entering community college. Alexis is going through the high school drama scene with her friends. Grandma worries 24 about keeping a roof over our heads and plays Wonder Woman to every one under the sun, but has no time for herself. Who do they come to when that person is home? Guess who? And its not like they need me… According to my brother, I’m going to die lonely and by myself, that no one’s opinion matter’s but my own, I’m homosexual (well, he’s half right) and that no one in my family cares about me. If he’s at all completely right about any of these, then why am I still around my home? Why aren’t I out exploring new worlds? What’s worse this that I looked through my phone, and there’s absolutely no one I could call. I’m too proud to call people at this point. No one listens. They hear me, but no one listens. They think I’m complaining when I do talk about it… So, what’s a boy to do? God willing—he’ll be in New York City in February instead lake effect bipolar Buffalo.
Question of the day: “Not that anyone cares, but, when is it time to leave the nest?” |
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| Self-euthenics |
[Dec. 20th, 2008|10:09 pm] |
I’m just so… confused? No, bemused. Yes, bemused today. Its Saturday and instead of getting dressed to go out or getting liquored up, I’m here in my room, scanning porn sites between watching Iron Man and sipping orange spice tea with bits of freshly squeezed lemon.
( “?s" )( “tina" )( “Minister" )( “Committed )
Question of the day: "After what happened in the summer, is it just that still I like I was feel used or should I just get over it?" |
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| How gay can you get:: My night in NYC |
[Dec. 18th, 2008|05:37 am] |
Paper flowers, golden light showers...
( “New ) ( “Paper )( “Lynn )( “Dear )
Now, I’m back home and I am going to work hard and try to get this Lance Gross interview off the ground, work with Bleu in trying to write a better Demarco Majors article and hear from Obvious about getting paid!
Question of the day: “I was offered a position with Paper for an internship, and if I get it, that’s awesome. Details Magazine is also interested in me as well. The thing is, both internships are paid and in New York City. Should I take a semester break to get that kind of experience, if I get them?” |
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| Alot to unload on a simple blog entry, but... |
[Dec. 7th, 2008|09:38 pm] |
Oh my god…
( “Me, )( “Turkey )( “Party )
Next week, after finals—after everything—I go to New York City for a possible chance to meet up with the staff at Paper Magazine. I sure hope I get the internship, the opportunity to do it, and that I do an excellent job and come out with a large-sum of recommendation letters! Wish me luck.
Question of the day: "Why am I so afraid I'll end up a failure... or just like my parents?" |
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| On a "Fuck love" rant |
[Nov. 25th, 2008|02:22 am] |
Like a jagged blade slipping into your heart/ I hope my tears rip you apart---
Home for thanksgiving...
This must have been the number one phrase of the year, but seriously, “What the fuck?!” All I have to say is, Thank God that relationship crashed, burned and disintegrated in to the abyss. Jordan is so… childish. He’s not child-like; he’s clearly in delusion of inner self and what it means to be an adult.
This weekend, I felt like I was laying a beach watching the tidal waves collapse on the sand during as I laid under an umbrella in 86 degree weather. Wasn’t that an excellent metaphor?
Anyway, he leaves me a message the other day that asks if we should be friends or not because even though he wants to get rid of me in his life for “hurting” him, he wants me in his life… but if I hurt him, why would he want to stick around? I’m so confused. But he’s not mine anymore and since this little even has created its own pocket universe of chaos and heartbreak in the arroyo of its own hell—then, that means I get to play the field. Now this doesn’t mean I’m going to go out and whore around, but I owe it to myself to go out and have a little fun flirting with the boys and making passes at girls, right?
He messages me: “Anyways IDK What and Friends We are....IDK If W Are Friends That are
COMPUTER FRIENDS...or Do We Still Travel For EAch Other....So What Type
Of Friends Are We?”
I’m really starting to beat myself over the head. Why did I ever get involved with such a guy? I mean, should such a dumb question ever be asked?
Question of the day: “Should I wait to get involved with someone because I am fresh from a relationship or go on a date if someone were to ask?” |
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| (Fucking Finally) Washing my hands clean |
[Nov. 17th, 2008|06:53 pm] |
Love creates a divine trinity, but what’s it all mean in the game of Sex and Intimacy?...
November 14th came and went like a white fog rolling over a dark and murky lake, and on this day, I traveled eight hours to New York City to see my boyfriend, Jordan. Then Long Island, where we went to Westbury to put our stuff in our room at the Red Roof End. It rained all weekend. Around 5:15 p.m. we caught a cab and drove to the Nassau Coliseum in Uniondale and saw the Cheetah Girls and their opening act, The Clique Girls. The show was crowded with teen girls and stage moms everywhere. The roar of feminine wiles ran like a river and here we were, listening to part tarts singing terribly bad and terribly addictive pop tunes from Radio Disney!, That’s love: I traveled just to see him; I didn’t care if I had to see the Cheetah Girls because I was with him. I hate the current Disney Teeny-pop wave!
( Raise the roof... ) ( “Pitch ) ( “Leaving )
Sorry it’s a long post, but I’m not sad anymore—in fact, I’m in the mood to go out Friday night. You’re invited.
Question of the day: “I’m thinking of going back to girls. It sucks dating the same sex because it’s like dating you and this bisexual thing is too much sometimes. Why are guys such assholes?” |
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| Its Over, right? |
[Oct. 6th, 2008|01:53 am] |
I saw your cards and you saw mine/did you find all four aces in time?
This is actually the first time in years that I feel like crying my eyes out. Really. I feel so alone right now. Really alone. Jordan and I are broken-up. It’s funny because around 8 p.m. I was talking to Vanessa and we were talking about relationships. A while ago I considered breaking up with Jordan because there are a lot of things we needed to work on like communication and trust because of distance.
So here we are. I call to check up on him. To see how he’s doing. To see if we are going to have a nice, civilized conversation. I ask him rather I am coming down for his birthday or not and he says “Whatever, it’s your money.” All I wanted was for Jordan to give a yes or no answer. What he meant to say was “Yes, but if you can’t afford coming, it’s fine.” So, I allowed myself to argue with him. He says he’s been miserable for a week, and I’m thinking everything was fine. He says he loves me but he can’t keep feeling like he’s going in a loop with me: On the phone we fight and argue, in person we can’t keep our hands off one another, through letters we are in love with and long for one another, and on the internet it’s really confusing.
He breaks up with me. We talk for almost three hours and babble about how much this sucks. He says that there’s nothing I can do and that he needs to figure things out. He also says that it’s not me and it not just him. “You’re 21 going on 30 and I’m 17 going on 19.” I correct him and tell him that “I’m 21 going on 25, but that’s still it big age gap.” Then he reminds me: “I do love you very much.” If he did, why didn’t he just… want to stay with me?
It’s the distance. He says that he would love for us to be friends. He’d love for me to come down. He’d love to come up for a visit. Its just very confusing. I don’t think I can, you know? Be friends. I can’t because I have feelings and I am in love. You can’t be in love with a friend and expect to be fine with everything just as “friends.”
I even quit being friends with Tee. That began over a concert we planned to go to in New York City. But like every year, he gets detached and gets all self-involved, and stop calling/picking up. I should have listened to people. He’s one of those people. What does he want from me anyway? It’s not friendship. Who needs friends when you can have enemies?
This bites.
Question of the day: “Why does it hurt so much, being in love, out of love?” |
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| Jordan... in Buffalo? No fucking way!? Way! |
[Sep. 16th, 2008|03:07 am] |
That’s the thing about paradise, it’s brief…
Because I am no longer talking to my parents and because I am now chasing my own dreams, I feel so alone pushing myself towards greatness. I have grandma but when I’m in school its like I’m in Istanbul with her. Tee’s worse! He assumes that when I leave town, I’m on Mars somewhere. I feel so alone, you know.
A lot of things happened in the past month! One, I went to Kentucky, watched over my new cousin Jermaine whose a very developed little boy! Partied with my cousin’s, met my cousin’s best friend and her hot boyfriend and saw my brother and siter-cousin smoke and drink for the first time. The trip was great. Two, I came to Buffalo without seeing/speaking to my parents and didn’t even say goodbye to grandma (“I just wanted to go”). Three, I no longer feel there’s really nothing to go back to when I go home. I needed something to make me feel… I don’t know, wanted, desired and something I could hold on to.
( Jordan comes to town! )
( Jordan ‘s first real day )
( my mistake, but the best one ) |
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| Writer's Block: Planet's Rights |
[Aug. 12th, 2008|11:58 pm] |
Pluto should be a planet! I mean, it's not our flauts that they didn't get it right the first time!
But then again,
if we went around thinking the world was flat... well then, we'd be retarded. |
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| Showboy |
[Jun. 28th, 2008|07:09 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My bedroom | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Everythng's Coming Up Roses" by Patti Lupone, Gypsy Soundtrack | ] |
Dreams are for the departed...
( Read more... )
Question of the day: “Why don’t we act on what we want?” |
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