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fadingnebulous

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Writer's Block: Fool me once... [Jun. 4th, 2011|11:40 pm]
fadingnebulous
[Tags|]
[Current Location |In my room, where the madness starts]
[music |"Dancing On My Own" by Robyn]

Have you ever been betrayed by a friend or partner who asked for forgiveness? Were you able to forgive and/or forget? What was the result?


Was in a a friendship that became an affair. Then found out that I was the other man.
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I haven't posted on this thing in forever! [Feb. 28th, 2011|03:59 pm]
fadingnebulous
[Current Location |Work]
[mood |recumbentrecumbent]
[music |"Look of Love" by ABC]

I'm not going to do my typical poetic stanza opening that I love to do, because frankly, I'm changing a bit. For the better, I hope. There are so many things I need to air out, but I have very little time. I graduated from college last May! I graduated with two degrees and moved from my small hometown to New York City. I lived in Harlem with Hue, and after a year of "dating" and casual flings between the two of us, upon moving into our apartment together, he surprised me. I mean, woah! He has a boyfriend. And I'm the one thinking that we could be something more, you know after hen told me we'd be sharing a room, sharing the same bed and that the other roommate, was "just a friend." So, I was devasted and are relationship hasn't grown since then. I worked at a magazine where I wrote everything from news, editorials, features, entertainment, sports, music and politics. I even covered fashion week. I also took an unpaid internship with an online local news company. But then reality hit: I lost my job, my mom had a cancer scare and I couldn't find work. Hue didn't mind, but I didn't want to be a burden and New York City--such a lonely, chauvanistic, harsh and supernaturally hedonistic sity--was becoming a bit too much. So, I am now back home. Despite two degrees, its still a bitch to find work. But, after living in a totally different city in college and then New York City, coming home makes me feel insecure, and like a failure. In my brief time here, I've was passed over for other applicants who weren't "too young" or "too inexperienced" by organizations such as the Smithsonian, Vogue, People, NBC, and GLAAD, as well as a bunch of theatre companies and news outlets. And I thought I was the shit, turns out... not so true.

In the meantime, being home has its ups and its downs. My brother had his first anxiety attack this past weekend and was rushed to the hospital, I had an argument with my older cousin James who has been over to the house every day and likes to play head games. He had the audacity to say that I'm not a man because I don't have a full time job... in the recession. He said I wasn't holding it down at home. Mind you, I'm the guy that does all of the cleaning, shoveling, and everything else when my grandmother is too befuddled to do it herself, or you know, when has the time. Point blank, Alfred Pennyworth of the household and grandma has even admitted that I'm the only one who has been giving her money. Mind you, for a guy who just comes over and uses up her internet and eats our food and watches our television... he maybe hands her a few dollars every 4 months. See where I am going with this? But I didn't come on here to talk about him.

I came on here to say that I'm applying to grad school and I have my first interview in the coming weeks. If I get in, I'm the shit! Wait, no... I'm just a guy who got in. But I am really excited, sat in a few classes and I'm pumped. But along with the terrority, I've vowed to change myself for the better. For one, I need healthier relationships and in a small town like where I'm from, its best if I do it swiftly. With that said, I'm looking for a more balanced relationship with the people I come into contact with. I don't want a platonic friendship or a romantic relationship that is just based on something juvenile like looks, or intelligence, but you know, something more. I've erased a handful of closer relationships. People I've talked about on here for example, have been deleted from my phone, from my memory. I want a fresh start. I just turned 24, as of Groundhog's Day and I need something more... genuine. I can make a laundry list of the people I wouldn't call genuine on here, but I digress.

I'm working with teen youth, a job I started a month ago, and while its part-time, I've learned so much about myself and the people I interact with. Its forced me to become more adult than I have during my college pitstop. I've learned that I be selfish, but I am not self-centered. I've learned that I am sensitive, but not hyper-sensitive (at least not as sensitive as the people I've come into contact with) and I am a beautiful young man, inside and out, rather I look like a black Ken doll or a black Gumby. And I can't believe it took me so long to find that out for myself.

I'm back, LJ!!
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Will Update Soon [Nov. 3rd, 2010|06:38 am]
fadingnebulous
[Current Location |My Bedroom, where the choas starts]
[music |"Baby I'm Gonna Leave You" by Joan Baez as covered by Led Zeppelin]

Don't know what/ Can decide if life sucks...

No one read this really. I don't think... But I'll update soon, maybe, hopefully.


Question of the day: "I've been single for quite some time, with the occasional date/fling, but no such luck in the romance department. Should I wait to meet someone or should I go out and take the world by storm?"
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NYC apartments [May. 27th, 2010|10:32 pm]
fadingnebulous
[Current Location |Hue's place... maybe mine...]
[music |Corinne Bailey Rae - "The Blackest Lily"]

..........No catchy rhyme intro, I'm low... (oh, shit! I did again!)

So, I'm in NYC. I accepted a summer internship with Backstage. Sordid details following...

I graduated from Buffalo State. This marks about 5 or 6 years for me on LiveJournal, not that anyone reads this anymore. I graduated but along the way, I got my heart broken by so many people, it's almost ridiculous to imagine how much hurt I experienced. I guess, you can say I'm jaded. My muse tells me today, after a few months of assuming, that he's got a boyfriend. The thing is, he wants me to move in. Now, I'm still planning on moving in but I feel so hideous, stupid and filled with blind rage. He's gorgeous, the boyfriend and he has enough masculinity that its not so obvious and they care about each other. But inside, I'm very bitter! He waits to tell me while we walk up stairs, tell me we are sharing a room beforehand, and to top it off, I like his boyfriend, dare I say it, better than him. Why? Well, because he's probably not as shady and as two-faced and as evil as his deception. I'm not mad. Yes, a bit jealous, but not so much as I had thought I'd be. He's PhD student, he's Blatino, very pretty with county bumpkin twang and swagger. But I can really make comparisons to him. Why would I? We're two different people and we're both very different types. He's the educated whiz kid and the artsy-fartsy sensitive type. How bad can you get? I'm mad at Hue... not because of the boyfriend, but the fact that he hid him from me and that I found out this way. I don't think we're the type of friends I thought we were. He admires my talent, nothing else. I admire his intelligence and cool. I'm moving in because I need a place to stay, we're familiar, and he's a good guy. Other than that, we're not going to be close. Not anymore. Jaded, yes. Hurt, kind of. Why? I need to start dating... like real dating. Like go-out-to-dinner dating. Like kiss and lay in bed and do nothing dating. Like... you know? I've spewed that bullshit a lot. I guess, I'll get myself together and maybe one day... for now, maybe I'll just whore out. Heart of stone, check. Tunnel-vision, check. Mean streak, double check. It's time to be a real asshole.

The apartment is beautiful, but I need a job? No occupation, no mula, no rent.

I'm probably going to come out to my parents soon. I need to do something with my life. After graduation, I feel Like I've been slipping into this ether of some kind. Maybe not that extreme, but I need a change. My cousin Tia, as mentioned in my last update, has moved in with her baby boy Jermaine. Grandma and her argue all of the time, so I am never there... or if I am, I'm sleeping or applying for jobs!

I'm going to apply to Hunter College's MFA program and maybe a few others! It's time to get serious about my shit. I am snob of the Arts! That's me...

Question of the day: What should I do about my current situation?
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(no subject) [May. 19th, 2010|05:40 am]
fadingnebulous
[Current Location |My Bedroom, where the choas starts]
[music |Rude boy by Rihanna]

Wait! Wait! Wait!/ Die of old age or die jail...

Now, stay with me...

I'm drunk, wait... no, tipsy and I having some sort of epiphany, I shit you not...

My cousin Tia came to live with us as she is now a single mother fresh from college, and I am a recent college grad! (Yes, I will spill the beans, but on a later date.) She tells me that everyone knows that I have sort of attraction to men. She asked me if I like sports as a gay test. I told her I played football and rugby, I prefer to play baseball rather than watch it and that I rather watch basketball than play it. All of them true. She told me that I am totally not gay, like my mannerisms, which is good... I guess. I told her I bisexual a while ago. But I revealed Jordon and (how I technically lost my virginity to) Hue and De'maroco, this college freshman I hooked up with over the past semester. I told her about Patty and how I was propositioned for sex by my sultry theatre friend Danica... all of which I will tell you in my next post... and she laughed and we cried. I told her about me having to be "perfect" and she cried about her single mom woes and... it clicked... we're growing up! I graduated May 15 and she had a baby boy turning 2 in August! What a bottle of Tanqueray (and hot tea for shots!) would do!!

Question of the day: "How will anyone accept me if I can't accept myself because of fear that my family or friends won't?"
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Push and Pull; running before the crawl [Jan. 30th, 2010|11:59 pm]
fadingnebulous
[music |"Rude Boy" by Rihanna]

Freaking Out/ But I’d rather spend the night…

It seems like every year, a few days before my birthday, I get all bent out of shape about turning a new age. I am turning 22 on Tuesday and I am scared, but mostly because I would like to feel like I’ve accomplished something. I feel stuck. I haven’t graduated, I haven’t had sex, I’m no longer in a relationship (thank God), but I want to be in a relationship and despite everything, I learned to be self-deprecating than ever. It’s funny.

I was cast in a play titled “Seven Keys To Baldpate,” and I start rehearsals Monday. It’s been a week back, and I’m busting my ass working as dramaturge for “Shape of Things,” freelancing for a few magazines and now… trying to get the fuck out of Buffalo. I have to get out, I feel like I’m suffocating. And this would be my last semester, but I’m thinking of staying one more semester to get better at acting before going to New York City, but that’s like a year away… and I feel like I’ve outstayed my welcome in Buffalo.

My plan, if I leave: Land a paid internship somewhere, find a moderately cheap apartment with cool people to live with, transition to a very lucrative career that I enjoy very much and travel when I can. What career, actor or journalist? I do not know.

My plan, if I stay: Work as an RA on campus (they get free housing and $1000; I won’t be getting TAP anymore if I stay), I can sign-up for 2-3 classes and look for work as an actor in Buffalo (though, they don’t like to hire black men unless the role requires one for sexual purposes or if they wanted a rough and angry one).

I have a week to decide.

I also like someone, but I’ve gotten to the point where I feel it’s pointless. I’m not this ripped and chiseled type and I’m popular, but not popular in the jock/cheerleader/frat/party animal type… I don’t know what to do about liking said person… I guess, I’m fucked and stuck like ‘em. Tairah, a friend of mine told me her tells of woe and heartache and how she’s just going to tell her love interest, and I told her to follow my advice and told her that I am not to listen to my advice for the same fears she mentioned. Hypocritical, but at last… that’s fear talking. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. Even though, I don’t want my reveal to ruin anything or what we have… even though I’m sure it will. My heart tends to get placed on the flames to fry after I get vulnerable about liking someone. Maybe it’ll be different… no, I doubt it. Damn, I hate being so indecisive. That’s not me. I usually get like this for a while, and then for the rest of the year, I’m very focused on what I want when I want it. Why can’t everyday be like that? But no, here I am fawning over someone and freaking out over staying or going… Fuck. My. Life.

Question of the day: “Ever see ‘He’s Just Not that into you?’ How do you know they just aren’t into you?
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Guts and Glory [Jan. 15th, 2010|01:01 am]
fadingnebulous
[Current Location |My Bedroom, where the choas starts]
[music |"Don't Give Up" by The Noisettes]

Shipwrecked/Cold Sweat...

Whoa! It’s been a while. It’s Winter break… so here I am again! Updates: I had an amazing internship last summer at Essence as a Summer Temp for Time, Inc. It was explosive. Got to see The Noisettes in concert in SoHo with some of the Essence interns, put on a great presentation for the staff and really got to know NYC as I lived in a Columbia University dorm with five other women. Drama much?

I also starred in Anything Goes as Fred The Bartender and as a commanding officer/sailor. It was fun and I loved the process of working with an ensemble musical theatre production, but I’m kind of glad it’s over. It wasn’t really fun behind the scenes and the only time I did have fun was on stage… which, technically is not the way things are supposed to be. It’s supposed to be fun all the time. Yes, it’s supposed to be serious, but not terrible and tiresome. I did stand-up too and was called one of the funniest comedians! Some came up to me after and told me I should not only continue, but that I was hilarious and the best. I guess, that’s not too shabby for a first time experience, eh? Lastly, as in terms of theatre goes… I got cast as a crooked CEO in Seven Keys To Baldpate!! I’m so excited. I get to be prissy, bitchy, dorky, antagonistic and funny! After I read the play, and after I get the lines down… I can’t wait!!

I recently went to a few interviews in NYC, going to BackStage the week of Christmas and to Nerve.com this past Tuesday, where I met a quasi-gay nerdy indie cool kid from 15 minutes away. Huewayne let me stay at his place in Brentwood and we just chilled. We walked in Strand Books and saw a really (and I say it) cute guy who flirted with me about the book I bought. Hue asked me about me and girls, and I told him playfully that I am always down to fuck a pretty girl, I just can’t wait straight porn: The girls look they are either faking or like they are getting raped, and neither one looks good to me. We walked through SoHo and we talked and reminiscence… Met his family. He’s one of those guys that wants to be a mystery, but puts it all out there so there are no secrets…. or so it appears, but there are layers upon layers behind those secrets, which intrigue people. He’s very honest and at times, I don’t feel I can be as honest with him and I lower my intelligence because of that. With him, I lower myself to student—I “stoop to conquer” if you will… I take every thing in, so that I can understand where he’s coming from if you will, so that I can see how much knowledge and factoids I can suck out of him so that I can not only question him, but question myself. He told me that I should drop my guard—he says it’s weird, that I am friendly and social, but I love my space, which people pick up on and because of it, gossip. It’s a trait that, because of how I distance myself, is a thing that various “true friends” find themselves having to stick up for me. This is the third time, I’ve heard this… still don’t know how much I feel about it.

Regardless, I had a good time hanging with him and knowing the intimate part of him that very few people don’t know. I need the distraction. When I am home, I feel like I’m in the way and that I out-stay my welcome when I am home. It’s annoying and I feel like my family—other than the limited finances they have—don’t like it when I ask to go in for an interview or take a trip to New York. They “barked” on me all week because it. I go back to Buffalo in a week, but I’m not ready to go, but if this keeps up, I’ll have to start wishing it was time for me to go back. I guess it doesn’t help that I’m falling to serious senioritis and an even worse pre-Quarterlife Crisis.

Thank God for Nick. He’s a sweet, delicate… okay, he’s none of those things, but he’s a great guy, and I’m kidding about the sweet and delicate thing. Always considerate, always honest, always ready for an adventure, always attentive and I wonder why he’s single… I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing that he’s single, but I see so many people who are shitty internally and they aren’t half as great as he is. He got me tea for Christmas, I felt so shitty because I didn’t have anything for him. I’m thinking, no, more like planning him a trip to come on up to Buffalo for a weekend and just parading the streets drunk, or something. He needs it and I can’t help it, I have loads of fun with him. He dragged me to a company party last weekend before the Nerve.com interview and we partied all night. Before that it was an Avatar 3D movie night, a New Years’ Hotel Party Night, and slow drives through night time Albany… just ‘cause. Yeah, I’m dragging his ass to Buffalo and we’re going to party like its Kwanzaa… wait, no… like it’s Halloween! Okay… no, but we’re going to have fun. He deserves it and I deserve it. Maybe I’ll tap my girls Fannie and Vanessa… right now, I’m hopeful, but I just feel like the climate of all of our situations are changing, you know? Like we’re all growing up. Scary, huh!

I’m going to New Jersey to surprise an aunt in the morning! Ciao.

Question of the day: What is bisexuality… what is sexuality, period?
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Update? [Dec. 13th, 2009|06:32 pm]
fadingnebulous
[Current Location |Saintclair's place]
[music |"I Get a Kick Out of You" by BSC Anything Goes Cast]

Update/Too late?...

I Promise to update as soon as possible!
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A long time away from here... [Jul. 8th, 2009|12:16 am]
fadingnebulous
[Current Location |Columbia University]
[music |"Pretty Wings" by Maxwell]

Skydiving/by who’s driving?

It has taken an eternity for me to write something on here. Mostly because I have been avoiding talking the truth about the way I feel and because I’m so tired all the time. I moved to New York, and currently reside on Columbia University in the Morningside Park/Harlem area, interning with Essence. So far the interning experience is a bitch as far as learning to get my priorities straighten, re-learning to talk to my supervisors as superiors, not equals (even though they’re not all about roles), freelancing and having time to pitch stories. I really need to reevaluate my life at the moment. Right now, I feel desperate. Jordan’s not around and while I feel at ease that we are no longer together and no longer apart of one another’s lives, I feel the need to reach out to him. Not to feed him any romance bullshit—because he’s kind of a nut job and I’ve had my full—but to come to a common ground. I started to send him an e-mail, then I looked at his MySpace and still see that header he wrote about “Some Ugly Prick…,” and then looked at his FaceBook, and saw that he was once again naked, wrapped only in a towel. Tee commented with something like “Why do you do this to me!” I didn’t want to touch that. Tee and I haven’t talked since Jordan and I split. It’s for the best. Tee is not the friend I need him to be. It’s been months, no phone calls. I called him, and he never calls back. I read his recent post. He’s now diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Fun times. Should I care? Maybe. But, I don’t. I guess I just stopped caring. I don’t know when Tee and I will talk next, but I’ll wait until he makes the first move… which is likely to be never… that is, until we run into each other.

Back to the lonely-depressed bit. Basically, I think I’m to cute, personally/mentally/emotionally/physically, to be desperate. I even glimpsed at Craigslist after reading a horoscope, then laughed when some of the men in my area, some of whom are gorgeous in the flesh (and probably infected) were search for men and women to perform sexual acts on them because they were in dry spells. I decided that I’m too good for that and somebody somewhere will find me.
I recently got published in Bleu and Krave, may be interviewing a famous someone for a Nu-Soul (I’ll keep you posted), am translating a new article for Bleu, and I came out as Bisexual to the other interns for a project…I was totally ready for the pitch forks and torches to come out, but they just embraced me… all of them.

Quick recap: Last weekend, my fellow interns Courtney and Brittany went to see Up in 2D (yeah, you heard me right). Nick came up the week before last, and we went to Coney Island and traveled throughout the city, finishing with Pride. The week before that Alex from Virgina came and was very boring, and quiet and shamed me for getting drunk with Courtney (I made the mistake of getting 2 Texas Sized frozen Long Island Iced Teas). We haven’t talk much sense. That same weekend, Knickie left to move to Florida with her mom, so I traveled to Brooklyn and packed. We got stopped by a cop. She was fined $230, and my friend Huewayne camped over for a few days, the week before, before having to go back to Long Island.

Question of the day: I’m honestly tired of asking a relationship question. So, ask a question about me… and I’ll answer it.
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No more pussy-footing! [May. 21st, 2009|12:02 am]
fadingnebulous
[Current Location |my bedroom where the chaos starts]
[music |"Supermodel (You Better Work)" by Rupaul (don't ask)]

Lonely, but not desperate/Thank God, we're separate!

I am very tired of people. I am very tired of myself. I am just plain tired. I’ve exhausted all my energy arguing with Jordan and Fausto respectively, fighting with editors for more time to work on articles, fighting with teachers in regards to schoolwork and with my peers, who don’t understand me. It’s even hard with people who call themselves my friends. I want to change that this summer. Hopefully, it will change tonight because I damn sure need to get these assignments in for Bleu.

In a few weeks, I’ll be in New York City working as an editorial intern for Essence Magazine, and hopefully, I’ll get a few published clips in the magazine as well as making connections with my fellow interns, business associates, friends and faculty. This summer marks the end of a lot of things. For starters, there’s the “trio.” Nichole, Huewayne and I—three young artists out to claim the world! Huewayne graduated with both the President’s and Chancellor’s award. Nichole graduated with her master’s in History, and made a documentary. I feel stuck. Granted, I’ll be coming back to school to finish my second major, theatre arts, but I feel like I should be the person I want to be…. But I still don’t really know what my potential is yet. Dustin is in Binghamton writing a book, Fannie is dating some Italian in D.C., Regina is working for Martha Stewart and Honey Magazine, Tony from the Theatre Dept. is interning with Gunn Studios, Selina from the Com Dept. is working for MTV, Brigid is moving to Oregon… I feel like I’m not doing anything exciting… scratch the New York summer thing.

I’m also not in the mood for drama, but it’s something I’m giving myself for unexplained reason. Maybe, just maybe it’s because I need it to grow up. I honestly hate drama (unless its in a play or on the big screen), but I need it to grow up so I can grown into my own person. I don’t know why, but I went to Facebook because my grandma had asked me if I had talked to Tee which I replied that I refused to get in contact with someone. Knowing that Tee is Bisexual, she mentioned to me, “Well, you know how Tee gets when he gets a new squeeze.” She then mentions that he brought a boy over for Mother’s Day. Now, I am not going to go into semantics about how frustrated that would have made me if I didn’t expect this of Tee, who spoke to me that very same day, but I was interested in whom he brought over and why he never mentioned to me that he maybe seeing someone. However, I doubt this is so and even if it was, it’s none of my business.

I went on Facebook, and while we are not friends on there, he is friends with Jordan. I read Jordan’s status and it reads: “I Know You Like And I Like You ALOT But OF COURSE Im Bein Nervous And Scared Cuz I Dnt Wanna Get Hurt AGAIN. I Am Realizing That I Am NOT Takin ANY Kinda Risks And I THINK I Should Be Takin Risks.......But Whateva.” For like 5.2 seconds I was like Whoa! Then I remembered why we failed as an item and then I felt a pain, not for me, but for Jordan’s new squeeze! I mean, yes, I thought that either he was cheating on me (talking to other people during the end of our relationship) and I thought about how quick he got over me and what he went through, and it hurt me to think that it was time to move on. Like, I was done with him. I mean, so done! But, I guess I wanted him to come back and tell me how wrong he was so I can walk away from the conversation with a smile on my face. But, in a way, I’m happy for him. Not because he’s got a new beau, but knowing the lessons he has to learn in this new relationship/fling that he didn’t get in plainsong from his relationship with me. This time around, I am looking for the real thing. It took me over 8 months to actually agree to dating Jordan, and maybe I dated because I was lonely, but I piece of me still believes I was in love, and not blinded by it as much as I thought I was. We shared nice moments. But my heart doesn’t bleed for him anymore and neither does his for me. Life’s a bitch, I know.

In closing, I am kind of mad that these two found love, not because they don’t deserve it, they do, but they both need to really grow up. I know I do. Jordan is just dense and while he is emotional, he lacks sensitivity for others, which is a bad trait. Tee is a wildcard, and if he’s a bad friend (sometimes he is, sometimes he isn’t), imagine the pain I watched him dish out and endure while he was in relationships. My hat is off to their love interests. Right now, even while I am not sharing my bed with another and even though no one is calling me on the phone to tell me how much the love me and desire me both sexually, mentally and emotionally—I’m comfortable. Like I said before, I’m lonely but not looking.

Question of the day: “In the is internship, I want to look sexy, youthful but maturely confident!! How could I do that?”
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