|Push and Pull; running before the crawl
||[Jan. 30th, 2010|11:59 pm]
|||||"Rude Boy" by Rihanna||]|
Freaking Out/ But I’d rather spend the night…
It seems like every year, a few days before my birthday, I get all bent out of shape about turning a new age. I am turning 22 on Tuesday and I am scared, but mostly because I would like to feel like I’ve accomplished something. I feel stuck. I haven’t graduated, I haven’t had sex, I’m no longer in a relationship (thank God), but I want to be in a relationship and despite everything, I learned to be self-deprecating than ever. It’s funny.
I was cast in a play titled “Seven Keys To Baldpate,” and I start rehearsals Monday. It’s been a week back, and I’m busting my ass working as dramaturge for “Shape of Things,” freelancing for a few magazines and now… trying to get the fuck out of Buffalo. I have to get out, I feel like I’m suffocating. And this would be my last semester, but I’m thinking of staying one more semester to get better at acting before going to New York City, but that’s like a year away… and I feel like I’ve outstayed my welcome in Buffalo.
My plan, if I leave: Land a paid internship somewhere, find a moderately cheap apartment with cool people to live with, transition to a very lucrative career that I enjoy very much and travel when I can. What career, actor or journalist? I do not know.
My plan, if I stay: Work as an RA on campus (they get free housing and $1000; I won’t be getting TAP anymore if I stay), I can sign-up for 2-3 classes and look for work as an actor in Buffalo (though, they don’t like to hire black men unless the role requires one for sexual purposes or if they wanted a rough and angry one).
I have a week to decide.
I also like someone, but I’ve gotten to the point where I feel it’s pointless. I’m not this ripped and chiseled type and I’m popular, but not popular in the jock/cheerleader/frat/party animal type… I don’t know what to do about liking said person… I guess, I’m fucked and stuck like ‘em. Tairah, a friend of mine told me her tells of woe and heartache and how she’s just going to tell her love interest, and I told her to follow my advice and told her that I am not to listen to my advice for the same fears she mentioned. Hypocritical, but at last… that’s fear talking. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. Even though, I don’t want my reveal to ruin anything or what we have… even though I’m sure it will. My heart tends to get placed on the flames to fry after I get vulnerable about liking someone. Maybe it’ll be different… no, I doubt it. Damn, I hate being so indecisive. That’s not me. I usually get like this for a while, and then for the rest of the year, I’m very focused on what I want when I want it. Why can’t everyday be like that? But no, here I am fawning over someone and freaking out over staying or going… Fuck. My. Life.
Question of the day: “Ever see ‘He’s Just Not that into you?’ How do you know they just aren’t into you?