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fadingnebulous

[ website | BITCHES!! ]
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Self-euthenics [Dec. 20th, 2008|10:09 pm]
fadingnebulous
[Current Location |my bedroom where the chaos starts]
[music |"Gives you hell" by All-American Rejects]

I’m just so… confused? No, bemused. Yes, bemused today. Its Saturday and instead of getting dressed to go out or getting liquored up, I’m here in my room, scanning porn sites between watching Iron Man and sipping orange spice tea with bits of freshly squeezed lemon.

I’m perplexed about a lot of things. How am I going to complete 4 assignments by Monday for these magazines? Where am I going to stay if I do get the internships in New York? What will happen to Silver Screen if I do? What will happen if I don’t get these internships? How am I going to make up for late semester? Why do I keep making the same mistakes? Why am I still in love with Jordan and yet how did I get over him so fast? Lastly, how did we become an item in the first place?

All these questions at once… it boggles the mind. There was a lady staying with us here at the house, for 2 weeks. She’s the daughter of an old friend of my grandmother, Genie, who committed suicide three years ago on my grandma’s birthday. Her name is Tina and she’s a character. I helped move today, to a lovely shelter (where I would have stayed myself, if it was an apartment) and it’s nice because it’s just me and the family now. So, week one is down, and here I am…

After the move, grandma took me to Bombers and I ordered disco fries (French fries with gravy and melted cheese) for the two of us. We stopped at a Stewart’s to pick up forks to eat them, and this handsome stud (flawless toffee skin, slim/toned build, light brown eyes) who worked there handed them to me with a sly smirk. Just then, I see Minister (go back to July updates) and he said “hi,” while waving his hand and walking out. He said it, just to say it without any authenticity. It was harrowing, especially after what happened that night that he surprised me by precumming in his hand and bringing me to his work (of all places) to fuck. I just don’t understand. I guess, it saddens me, because now I have to except why he did it. We’re “friends” on “Stalker’s Paradise,” I mean, Facebook, and he has my number… I tried to talk about it too, just to clear the air, you know? Why did I try to do that and what’s wrong with me? Am I just some unlovable sex object? Fuck it. I’m ranting… and this post was only supposed to be a few sentences long. Bah humbug.

I wrote this. I was in a poetic/songwriter writer’s block:

"Committed (to memory)" by Me

You better have the body of a sinner to walk through these doors
I know you’re not from these parts, but f you don’t you’ll be a walking corpse
Such a paper tiger and always the lady
You mind your own business
But don’t break my concentration when you walk through the room
Enter at your own risk

Those eyes of yours are louder than bombs
I’ll walk through the crossfire, I have no qualms
Your birdsong cuts like a switchblade
If you whisper in my ear, I’ll be trapped in the air raid
Cupid: Don’t hose me down, don’t tuck me in
I’m bigger than I think I am
…But I don’t want to be committed (to memory)

Oh my stars
You’ll go far
Eyes like an electric fire
A mind that boggles men on Mars
And if I hesitate just once
Will you mind if I pull a stunt?
I’ll make my conscience disappear
Just to keep you here

Those eyes of yours are louder than bombs
I’ll walk through the crossfire, I have no qualms
Your birdsong cuts like a switchblade
If you whisper in my ear, I’ll be trapped in the air raid
Cupid: Don’t hose me down, don’t tuck me in
I’m bigger than I think I am
…But I don’t want to be committed (to memory)

But you’re not making it easy on me
No, not at all…

Those eyes of yours are louder than bombs
I’ll walk through the crossfire, I have no qualms
Your birdsong cuts like a switchblade
If you whisper in my ear, I’ll be trapped in the air raid
Cupid: Don’t hose me down, don’t tuck me in
I’m bigger than I think I am
…But I don’t want to be committed (to memory)

Question of the day: "After what happened in the summer, is it just that still I like I was feel used or should I just get over it?"
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