|Family matter BS!
||[Jan. 5th, 2009|04:37 pm]
|||||"circus" by britney spears||]|
singing hymns and breaking limbs...
I’m thinking that I need to leave home for good. I can’t take it anymore any longer. My brother is driving me psychotic to the brink of jumping off the deep end, taking out his frustrations on me. My cousin Alexis either double teams me every chance she gets or finds a way to ambush her way in between me and my friends. My grandmother is also a mild conservative, and I’m feeling the strain of out relationship lately—we don’t talk like we used to and she’s dragging me to church and her social gatherings every chance she gets—and we’re clashing over lifestyle and religious matters. She’s a regular at churches, but its oppressive. I am forced to go because I “live under the household.” The thing is, I’m 21 and of age. The problem is that I’m in Buffalo most of the time, and even if I stayed in Buffalo, my family would look at me like I’m trying to get away from them. It’s a double-edged sword. I mean, look at me… My parents don’t even want anything to do with me.
I feel like some freak show and I want to go into hiding because if things don’t change, I may hit the road and never return.
I’ve also been doing a lot of questioning. I seriously need the break from school and I’m asking God if I can get these internships in New York. God willing, I want to be the grandkid that travels all the time and is away most of the time on business or tending to personal matter. I mean, I’m barely around as it is says Alexis, says Dom. If I do get these internships, for Paper or Details or any other magazines I may have applied to, it would indeed be a blessing. A friend of Regina’s asked me if I would be interested in doing an internship with the magazines YRB or Complex, so that would be spectacular if things worked out. I also applied to magazines and newspapers such as Uptown, Vibe, Essence, City, City Limits, The Village Voice, Giant, Men’s Vogue, URB and Trace. I’ve heard nothing yet. I don’t get though, if these people are looking for paid and unpaid interns, why aren’t they jumping at the chance? What I hate the most is waiting because I don’t have time to really wait. I need to plan. I need to get out. I feel like everyone’s pin cushion. Everybody is acting like they have hard times too, which is driving me nuts. My brother is a co-dependent living off the affections of his girlfriend, which I believe he uses as way of dealing with mom issues and is entering community college. Alexis is going through the high school drama scene with her friends. Grandma worries 24 about keeping a roof over our heads and plays Wonder Woman to every one under the sun, but has no time for herself. Who do they come to when that person is home? Guess who? And its not like they need me… According to my brother, I’m going to die lonely and by myself, that no one’s opinion matter’s but my own, I’m homosexual (well, he’s half right) and that no one in my family cares about me. If he’s at all completely right about any of these, then why am I still around my home? Why aren’t I out exploring new worlds? What’s worse this that I looked through my phone, and there’s absolutely no one I could call. I’m too proud to call people at this point. No one listens. They hear me, but no one listens. They think I’m complaining when I do talk about it… So, what’s a boy to do? God willing—he’ll be in New York City in February instead lake effect bipolar Buffalo.
Question of the day: “Not that anyone cares, but, when is it time to leave the nest?”