|Fuck what you heard/ It's my life, that's my word.
||[Jan. 17th, 2009|03:08 pm]
|||||"I Touch Myself" by Blondie||]|
fading into the back ground/ walk away without a sound
I am very upset with everything right now. Most importantly, I hate that people have gotten involved in my romantic life. Tee called Jordan to tell him to talk to me, but at a time where I feel like a ronin samurai left homeless in search of work and my next meal, I think making me actually talk about it made me upset. I wanted to talk about something else when we met up on Tuesday night after he got off of work, as we walked through Colonie Mall. Honestly, though… I thought we’d talk about it for maybe 15 minutes and the conversation ended after two and a half hours. He said it’s because I avoided talking about it, posting little blurbs in my journal, but not actually talking about it. So, Wednesday night rolls around and since I can no longer see The Script perform at the Mercury Lounge as planned (the choking “incident” ruined everything!) or possibly interview them in person (because I now owe $70 for an eye exam, even though I have insurance!), I am home. Guess who calls me 3 minutes before 10 p.m.? Yes, Jordan calls. I wanted to kill Tee, who talked to him before the phone call.
Its like, why would you do that to me, knowing I have other things to think about like getting ready for school (since I never heard back from the magazines) and starting life after graduation? I just want the remnants of my feelings for Jay to just die, so I can move on, you know? So, he calls after talking with Tee. I tell him the truth and don’t care if I sound like an asshole: He never answers the important questions I need answered, he never would have done things I were interested in, he doesn’t know what he wants and our maturity levels were different. In addition, I’m sure his punk-ass could never confess that he fell out of love with me, because he’s too chicken. I mean, we were alone in a hotel room, and since I respect him too much to have sex with him (because he wanted to wait a little more), all I expected was a kiss and to sleep in the same bed. He treated me like I was his chum. What the fuck? So, I dumped him. It’s been a month and they both expect me to be over him. I am getting over him, but I’m not cold-hearted and I actually was in love with that asshole. But he doesn’t care and Tee, he doesn’t think its to be over, but I know it is. I said it before; I want a monogamous someone with goals, dreams, passion, drive, knowledge of things beyond high school memories and most importantly, someone funny but with a higher maturity than past relationships. But, I’m afraid I won’t find that person. Nonetheless, right now, I’m too busy to be in a relationship. If it happens it happens, but right now, in less than 3 weeks I’m going to celebrate the loneliest birthday ever and then after that, try to graduate with all A’s.
Like I said before, Wednesday and Thursday, I missed The Script at The Mercury Lounge, and my chance to interview them in person. In addition, my voice recorder just stopped working all of a sudden! So, I’m fucked with all the interviews I had recorded in the past like my interview with Lance Gross for Krave Magazine! In addition, I’m gaining weight and I have lost my drive to write and perform well in school. I need some kind of therapy.
In addition, certain people I am just not going to bother any more. Example: Tee is getting on my last nerves and what pisses me off most is that he is so unapologetic. I understand he’s busy, but he’s so self-absorbed. Plus, on this thing, I complain about him as much as I whine about Jordan. It’s annoying. I’m tired of trying to be the “best friend” all the time. I mean, he’s there to have deep discussions with, but only on his terms and right now, my time is too valuable chasing after him. I do this all the time and I’m tired of it. So, I’ll just wait until he calls me. It’ll be a long wait, but maybe it’ll be worth it. I am also doing the same with my parents, especially “daddy dearest,” but that’s more permanent than the Tee situation.
Question of The day: “Because I haven’t heard back from the magazines and now that I plan to go back to school with both fists swinging, is it wise to drop people from my life so suddenly when I need support the most at such a time?”