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Fuck what you heard/ It's my life, that's my word. - fading nebulous [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Fuck what you heard/ It's my life, that's my word. [Jan. 17th, 2009|03:08 pm]
[Current Location |The Library]
[music |"I Touch Myself" by Blondie]

fading into the back ground/ walk away without a sound

I am very upset with everything right now. Most importantly, I hate that people have gotten involved in my romantic life. Tee called Jordan to tell him to talk to me, but at a time where I feel like a ronin samurai left homeless in search of work and my next meal, I think making me actually talk about it made me upset. I wanted to talk about something else when we met up on Tuesday night after he got off of work, as we walked through Colonie Mall. Honestly, though… I thought we’d talk about it for maybe 15 minutes and the conversation ended after two and a half hours. He said it’s because I avoided talking about it, posting little blurbs in my journal, but not actually talking about it. So, Wednesday night rolls around and since I can no longer see The Script perform at the Mercury Lounge as planned (the choking “incident” ruined everything!) or possibly interview them in person (because I now owe $70 for an eye exam, even though I have insurance!), I am home. Guess who calls me 3 minutes before 10 p.m.? Yes, Jordan calls. I wanted to kill Tee, who talked to him before the phone call.

Its like, why would you do that to me, knowing I have other things to think about like getting ready for school (since I never heard back from the magazines) and starting life after graduation? I just want the remnants of my feelings for Jay to just die, so I can move on, you know? So, he calls after talking with Tee. I tell him the truth and don’t care if I sound like an asshole: He never answers the important questions I need answered, he never would have done things I were interested in, he doesn’t know what he wants and our maturity levels were different. In addition, I’m sure his punk-ass could never confess that he fell out of love with me, because he’s too chicken. I mean, we were alone in a hotel room, and since I respect him too much to have sex with him (because he wanted to wait a little more), all I expected was a kiss and to sleep in the same bed. He treated me like I was his chum. What the fuck? So, I dumped him. It’s been a month and they both expect me to be over him. I am getting over him, but I’m not cold-hearted and I actually was in love with that asshole. But he doesn’t care and Tee, he doesn’t think its to be over, but I know it is. I said it before; I want a monogamous someone with goals, dreams, passion, drive, knowledge of things beyond high school memories and most importantly, someone funny but with a higher maturity than past relationships. But, I’m afraid I won’t find that person. Nonetheless, right now, I’m too busy to be in a relationship. If it happens it happens, but right now, in less than 3 weeks I’m going to celebrate the loneliest birthday ever and then after that, try to graduate with all A’s.
Like I said before, Wednesday and Thursday, I missed The Script at The Mercury Lounge, and my chance to interview them in person. In addition, my voice recorder just stopped working all of a sudden! So, I’m fucked with all the interviews I had recorded in the past like my interview with Lance Gross for Krave Magazine! In addition, I’m gaining weight and I have lost my drive to write and perform well in school. I need some kind of therapy.

In addition, certain people I am just not going to bother any more. Example: Tee is getting on my last nerves and what pisses me off most is that he is so unapologetic. I understand he’s busy, but he’s so self-absorbed. Plus, on this thing, I complain about him as much as I whine about Jordan. It’s annoying. I’m tired of trying to be the “best friend” all the time. I mean, he’s there to have deep discussions with, but only on his terms and right now, my time is too valuable chasing after him. I do this all the time and I’m tired of it. So, I’ll just wait until he calls me. It’ll be a long wait, but maybe it’ll be worth it. I am also doing the same with my parents, especially “daddy dearest,” but that’s more permanent than the Tee situation.

Question of The day: “Because I haven’t heard back from the magazines and now that I plan to go back to school with both fists swinging, is it wise to drop people from my life so suddenly when I need support the most at such a time?”

[User Picture]From: damonhyper
2009-01-17 10:12 pm (UTC)
Aww, Kid, I'll help you out as much as I can with the voice recorder thing.

And anything else you might need.

(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: fadingnebulous
2009-01-20 06:37 pm (UTC)


really? You're so sweet. :)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: messie_nessie
2009-01-17 11:21 pm (UTC)
Marcus I'll make sure you have an awesome birthday, so dont worry about that!

I know things are rough right now, but they will get better. I know, that never sounds too promising, but its true. Youre a good person and good things will happen, even if youre in a rough patch right now.

As for the question, dont burn your bridges unless you think you can benefit from it. The way its phrased, you dont see too sure its really what you wantto do anyways. I think you should go to those that you can trust. Maybe you need to back away from others until things settle down a bit.

I'm always here, even if I do get busy. Call me anytime you need me, little brother! hehe
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: fadingnebulous
2009-01-20 06:38 pm (UTC)
You know, I was going to disagree with that "little brother" comment, but we both know its true.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)