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No more pussy-footing! - fading nebulous [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ website | BITCHES!! ]
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No more pussy-footing! [May. 21st, 2009|12:02 am]
[Current Location |my bedroom where the chaos starts]
[music |"Supermodel (You Better Work)" by Rupaul (don't ask)]

Lonely, but not desperate/Thank God, we're separate!

I am very tired of people. I am very tired of myself. I am just plain tired. I’ve exhausted all my energy arguing with Jordan and Fausto respectively, fighting with editors for more time to work on articles, fighting with teachers in regards to schoolwork and with my peers, who don’t understand me. It’s even hard with people who call themselves my friends. I want to change that this summer. Hopefully, it will change tonight because I damn sure need to get these assignments in for Bleu.

In a few weeks, I’ll be in New York City working as an editorial intern for Essence Magazine, and hopefully, I’ll get a few published clips in the magazine as well as making connections with my fellow interns, business associates, friends and faculty. This summer marks the end of a lot of things. For starters, there’s the “trio.” Nichole, Huewayne and I—three young artists out to claim the world! Huewayne graduated with both the President’s and Chancellor’s award. Nichole graduated with her master’s in History, and made a documentary. I feel stuck. Granted, I’ll be coming back to school to finish my second major, theatre arts, but I feel like I should be the person I want to be…. But I still don’t really know what my potential is yet. Dustin is in Binghamton writing a book, Fannie is dating some Italian in D.C., Regina is working for Martha Stewart and Honey Magazine, Tony from the Theatre Dept. is interning with Gunn Studios, Selina from the Com Dept. is working for MTV, Brigid is moving to Oregon… I feel like I’m not doing anything exciting… scratch the New York summer thing.

I’m also not in the mood for drama, but it’s something I’m giving myself for unexplained reason. Maybe, just maybe it’s because I need it to grow up. I honestly hate drama (unless its in a play or on the big screen), but I need it to grow up so I can grown into my own person. I don’t know why, but I went to Facebook because my grandma had asked me if I had talked to Tee which I replied that I refused to get in contact with someone. Knowing that Tee is Bisexual, she mentioned to me, “Well, you know how Tee gets when he gets a new squeeze.” She then mentions that he brought a boy over for Mother’s Day. Now, I am not going to go into semantics about how frustrated that would have made me if I didn’t expect this of Tee, who spoke to me that very same day, but I was interested in whom he brought over and why he never mentioned to me that he maybe seeing someone. However, I doubt this is so and even if it was, it’s none of my business.

I went on Facebook, and while we are not friends on there, he is friends with Jordan. I read Jordan’s status and it reads: “I Know You Like And I Like You ALOT But OF COURSE Im Bein Nervous And Scared Cuz I Dnt Wanna Get Hurt AGAIN. I Am Realizing That I Am NOT Takin ANY Kinda Risks And I THINK I Should Be Takin Risks.......But Whateva.” For like 5.2 seconds I was like Whoa! Then I remembered why we failed as an item and then I felt a pain, not for me, but for Jordan’s new squeeze! I mean, yes, I thought that either he was cheating on me (talking to other people during the end of our relationship) and I thought about how quick he got over me and what he went through, and it hurt me to think that it was time to move on. Like, I was done with him. I mean, so done! But, I guess I wanted him to come back and tell me how wrong he was so I can walk away from the conversation with a smile on my face. But, in a way, I’m happy for him. Not because he’s got a new beau, but knowing the lessons he has to learn in this new relationship/fling that he didn’t get in plainsong from his relationship with me. This time around, I am looking for the real thing. It took me over 8 months to actually agree to dating Jordan, and maybe I dated because I was lonely, but I piece of me still believes I was in love, and not blinded by it as much as I thought I was. We shared nice moments. But my heart doesn’t bleed for him anymore and neither does his for me. Life’s a bitch, I know.

In closing, I am kind of mad that these two found love, not because they don’t deserve it, they do, but they both need to really grow up. I know I do. Jordan is just dense and while he is emotional, he lacks sensitivity for others, which is a bad trait. Tee is a wildcard, and if he’s a bad friend (sometimes he is, sometimes he isn’t), imagine the pain I watched him dish out and endure while he was in relationships. My hat is off to their love interests. Right now, even while I am not sharing my bed with another and even though no one is calling me on the phone to tell me how much the love me and desire me both sexually, mentally and emotionally—I’m comfortable. Like I said before, I’m lonely but not looking.

Question of the day: “In the is internship, I want to look sexy, youthful but maturely confident!! How could I do that?”