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I haven't posted on this thing in forever! - fading nebulous [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ website | BITCHES!! ]
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I haven't posted on this thing in forever! [Feb. 28th, 2011|03:59 pm]
[Current Location |Work]
[mood |recumbentrecumbent]
[music |"Look of Love" by ABC]

I'm not going to do my typical poetic stanza opening that I love to do, because frankly, I'm changing a bit. For the better, I hope. There are so many things I need to air out, but I have very little time. I graduated from college last May! I graduated with two degrees and moved from my small hometown to New York City. I lived in Harlem with Hue, and after a year of "dating" and casual flings between the two of us, upon moving into our apartment together, he surprised me. I mean, woah! He has a boyfriend. And I'm the one thinking that we could be something more, you know after hen told me we'd be sharing a room, sharing the same bed and that the other roommate, was "just a friend." So, I was devasted and are relationship hasn't grown since then. I worked at a magazine where I wrote everything from news, editorials, features, entertainment, sports, music and politics. I even covered fashion week. I also took an unpaid internship with an online local news company. But then reality hit: I lost my job, my mom had a cancer scare and I couldn't find work. Hue didn't mind, but I didn't want to be a burden and New York City--such a lonely, chauvanistic, harsh and supernaturally hedonistic sity--was becoming a bit too much. So, I am now back home. Despite two degrees, its still a bitch to find work. But, after living in a totally different city in college and then New York City, coming home makes me feel insecure, and like a failure. In my brief time here, I've was passed over for other applicants who weren't "too young" or "too inexperienced" by organizations such as the Smithsonian, Vogue, People, NBC, and GLAAD, as well as a bunch of theatre companies and news outlets. And I thought I was the shit, turns out... not so true.

In the meantime, being home has its ups and its downs. My brother had his first anxiety attack this past weekend and was rushed to the hospital, I had an argument with my older cousin James who has been over to the house every day and likes to play head games. He had the audacity to say that I'm not a man because I don't have a full time job... in the recession. He said I wasn't holding it down at home. Mind you, I'm the guy that does all of the cleaning, shoveling, and everything else when my grandmother is too befuddled to do it herself, or you know, when has the time. Point blank, Alfred Pennyworth of the household and grandma has even admitted that I'm the only one who has been giving her money. Mind you, for a guy who just comes over and uses up her internet and eats our food and watches our television... he maybe hands her a few dollars every 4 months. See where I am going with this? But I didn't come on here to talk about him.

I came on here to say that I'm applying to grad school and I have my first interview in the coming weeks. If I get in, I'm the shit! Wait, no... I'm just a guy who got in. But I am really excited, sat in a few classes and I'm pumped. But along with the terrority, I've vowed to change myself for the better. For one, I need healthier relationships and in a small town like where I'm from, its best if I do it swiftly. With that said, I'm looking for a more balanced relationship with the people I come into contact with. I don't want a platonic friendship or a romantic relationship that is just based on something juvenile like looks, or intelligence, but you know, something more. I've erased a handful of closer relationships. People I've talked about on here for example, have been deleted from my phone, from my memory. I want a fresh start. I just turned 24, as of Groundhog's Day and I need something more... genuine. I can make a laundry list of the people I wouldn't call genuine on here, but I digress.

I'm working with teen youth, a job I started a month ago, and while its part-time, I've learned so much about myself and the people I interact with. Its forced me to become more adult than I have during my college pitstop. I've learned that I be selfish, but I am not self-centered. I've learned that I am sensitive, but not hyper-sensitive (at least not as sensitive as the people I've come into contact with) and I am a beautiful young man, inside and out, rather I look like a black Ken doll or a black Gumby. And I can't believe it took me so long to find that out for myself.

I'm back, LJ!!